Porn is a Relational Disorder - Part 2

Pornography promises the reward of intimacy—without the risk of relationship. It’s a counterfeit version of connection. But here’s the truth: you can’t heal in isolation. We weren’t made for it. The very thing we’re running from—real, risky, vulnerable relationship—is the very thing we need.

And that’s what today’s conversation is about.

We’re digging deep into what it means to stop trying to heal alone and instead lean into the kind of relationships that actually lead to freedom.

The Loneliness Epidemic Is Real

Back in 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General released a warning called The Loneliness Epidemic. It wasn’t about mental health. It wasn’t about feelings. It was about physical consequences—like heart disease—because of disconnection. And they weren’t just looking at data post-COVID. This was brewing long before.

The truth is, people are lonelier than ever before. One Gallup poll showed that 12% of people reported having no one they could share intimate, vulnerable parts of their life with. When they expanded the circle to just 1–4 people, that number jumped to 50%. But most of those relationships were tied to one person—their spouse.

Here’s the problem: your spouse is not meant to carry your entire relational reality. They can’t. You were made for a broader community.

And for a lot of guys we work with, the answer to “who really knows you?” is no one—or just my wife. That’s not sustainable. That’s not healthy. And it’s not God’s design.

The Risk of Relationship

Why do we settle for isolation? Because relationship involves risk. You’ve probably been hurt before. Let down. Betrayed. And you decided—maybe without saying it out loud—that it’s not worth the risk.

But here’s the hard question we often ask: Is that working for you?

If you’re lonely, disconnected, and isolated, is your plan actually working?

Deep down, we all want to be known. Even in the most social stages of life—college, early adulthood, busy workplaces—we’re surrounded by people and still feel unknown. You can game together, text every day, hang out at the gym—and still be lonely. Because presence isn’t the same as connection. And connection requires risk.

There’s a John Bellion lyric that says, “Why would I fly so high if I can fall so low?” That’s how a lot of us think about vulnerability. What if I get hurt again?

But here’s the deeper truth: that fear comes from Genesis 3. From the fracture in our souls when we broke trust with God. Now, all our other relationships carry the residue of that disconnection.

Story Is the Bridge

So what’s the way forward?

Tell your story.

Yep. That simple. That risky. That powerful.

Sit with someone you trust or want to know better, and tell them your story. The real one. Maybe not every detail, but the narrative of how you became who you are. Your wounds. Your questions. Your faith. Your fears.

When we lead with vulnerability, we give others permission to do the same. When you say, “Here’s who I am,” it frees someone else to say, “Me too.”

And telling your story doesn’t just invite others in—it grounds you in your own humanity. It reconnects you to your own reality. And most importantly, it mirrors the very structure of the Bible: a narrative. A story of brokenness, redemption, and restoration.

God invites us into His story by initiating with us. He’s not standing far off waiting for you to get your act together. He moved first. He always moves first.

Three Rhythms That Build Connection

If you want to build real, healthy relationships, there are three essential rhythms:

1. Attunement

Be present. Be dialed in. Listen actively. When someone’s talking, don’t be thinking about what to say next. Just tune in. Like turning the dial on an old radio—you know when it locks into the right frequency because it comes through clear.

That’s what people want. Clarity. Presence. Attunement.

2. Honesty

Not just truth-telling—but self-awareness. Share how you’re really feeling. Don’t put on a front to be liked or interesting. Show up as you. The tired, uncertain, maybe-insecure version of you. That’s the version people can actually connect with.

3. Trust

Real relationships require trust. And giving trust before someone earns it? That’s vulnerable. That’s scary. But it’s also necessary. Without risk, there’s no reward. Without trust, there’s no connection.

One story from my own life: a friend named Jack once texted me, “Hey Michael, I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I’d love to hang out.” That level of honesty and simplicity stuck with me. Jack trusted me with that vulnerability. And I rearranged my calendar and made it happen—because that’s what friendship is built on.

You’re Not a Burden

A lot of guys don’t reach out because they think they’re a burden.

Let’s be clear: that’s a lie. If someone says no, that’s okay. Let them be responsible for their own boundaries. You just take the courageous step to initiate. To pursue. To trust. Don’t assume people don’t want you around. That assumption might be robbing both of you of connection you both need.

The Gospel Is Relational

Here’s what we want to end with: The gospel isn’t just good news—it’s relational news.

God created us for relationship. We walked away. He came after us. Not with judgment, but with compassion. With incarnation. With presence.

Jesus didn’t stay distant. He moved close. He took on flesh. He felt in his gut what we feel. And now, through the Spirit, God dwells in us—and invites us into relational community through the Church.

Yes, the Church is messy. Yes, people will hurt you. But isolation will hurt you more. And the Church is still Plan A.

Don’t Do This Alone

If you’re sitting in loneliness today, don’t stay there.

Tell someone your story. Take the risk to move toward connection. Let yourself be loved—by God, and by others. And then step into a community where you can love in return.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

You just have to stop doing it alone.