You Have to Feel if You Want to Heal From Porn
Emotions Are Not Flaws
You can’t heal what you don’t feel. Emotions aren’t problems to squash—they’re signals pointing to relational needs. You’re wired for these signals. That’s not broken; it’s design, reflecting God’s emotional image in us.
Feelings = The Voice of the Heart
Feelings aren’t first thoughts—they’re physical. Think of feelings as your heart speaking: sensations alerting your relational longs: safety, significance, competency, affirmation, control. That’s what emotions say: “You need something relational right now.”
Common Misstep: Thinking Over Feeling
Many men process anger by describing situations cognitively—“The dog wrecked the rug,”—but they miss the physical response: chest tightness, hot face, clenched fists. That’s emotion. Not thoughts. You can’t out-think it. You have to feel it in your body and then decide what to do.
Step One: Feel It On Purpose
Step in, don’t step over. Feel it on purpose—notice the physical: chest tight, sweaty hands, shallow breath. Step two: ask, “What do I need relationally here? Who can help meet that? What action moves me toward it?” And yes, it might mean vulnerability, but that’s how relational growth happens.
Gifts of Emotion vs Impairments
Chip Dodd breaks it down:
Impairments:
Exaggeration (emotion defines your view, e.g. sadness that spirals into depression)
Dismissal (shoving emotions aside, numbing with porn, ignoring relational hunger)
Gifts: When you lean into feelings:
Loneliness leads to intimacy
Anger leads to healthy boundaries, justice
Fear leads to humility and trust
Real Example: Guilt
Nick describes his guilt: it sits in his body—back tight, shallow breathing, waiting for condemnation. Often it’s false guilt—expectations he imagined, energy he carried without anyone openly communicating it. That’s exhausting.
How to check it:
He starts calling during the workday: “Hey how are things at home?” If his wife says “It’s rough, come quick,” then there’s no guilt—she needed help. If she’s fine, he still checked—so his guilt was self-imposed. Taking that risk, making that call, dismantles imagined burdens. That’s courage in action.
He’s longing for validation, permission: to enjoy trivial things—like Ninja Turtle toys—and still be loved, affirmed, accepted. No shame.
So What Now?
Feel it physically. Don’t skip it. Notice body signal.
Name the emotion—on purpose.
Ask: “What relational need is this pointing to?”
Safety? Support? Significance? Affection? Control?
Take action—reach out. Be vulnerable.
Lean into the gift—not the impairment.
What About Jesus?
Jesus had emotions. In Mark, he wept, stressed, hungered, anguished. Emotion was real, and he trusted that emotional data to the Father. Emotion isn’t wrong—it’s relational. Hebrews 4 says Jesus sympathizes in all our ways because he felt them first. Grace meets where pain is.
Final Cut
Feel it. Let it teach you something. You’d be surprised what you recover when you stay with the feeling instead of running from it with porn, distraction, avoidance.
And in that authenticity—real emotions, real needs—you find real restoration.
Don’t do this alone. If this smacked a nerve, or you want to go deeper, check out rscky.com. We’re here—healing relationally, emotionally, and practically.