Porn is a Relational Disorder - Part 1
If you think you’re doing well, maybe it’s time to ask: How are you treating the people closest to you?
We say this all the time, and it’s worth repeating—true healing doesn’t happen in isolation. You want to know if your growth is real? Don’t look at your highlight reel. Look at your relationships. The mess. The normal. The everyday interactions where your wounds, patterns, and strategies all show up.
In this post (pulled from a full Restoration Soul Care podcast conversation), we’re digging deep into what we call Relational Reality—the truth that we were created by relationship for relationship. That’s not poetic fluff. It’s hardwired into our DNA, and everything about your life—from your addictions to your intimacy issues—is downstream from how you relate.
The Root of Our Design: Relational to the Core
From the jump, Genesis tells us we were made in the image of a relational God—Father, Son, and Spirit—living in eternal connection. God didn’t create humans out of loneliness. He wasn’t bored or needy. He created to extend that perfect relationship outward—to invite us into it.
That means everything about us—our needs, our struggles, our wiring—is shaped by and for relationship.
Even before sin enters the story in Genesis 3, God says something wild: “It’s not good for man to be alone.” Think about that. Adam had perfect union with God, in a perfect environment, and still… loneliness. Why? Because we were designed not just for connection with God, but for connection with others. God lets Adam feel that ache—not to shame him, but to teach him something.
Loneliness wasn’t sin. It was the signal.
Strategies We Create to Cope with Pain
Adam didn’t get Eve right away. First, he had to name the animals—one by one. And in that process, he’s realizing, “None of these are like me.” That ache deepens. The longing intensifies. And then finally, God provides the match: Eve. Bone of his bone. Flesh of his flesh. Someone like him. The ache had purpose—it led to intimacy.
But fast-forward to Genesis 3. That’s where everything cracks. Trust breaks. Sin enters—not just as rule-breaking, but as a relational fracture. At its core, sin is reactive mistrust of God. It’s believing the lie: God can’t be trusted to meet my needs, so I have to find a way to meet them myself.
Sound familiar?
That’s the blueprint for how a lot of us end up stuck in things like pornography. Not because we’re consciously choosing evil, but because we’re reacting to pain and trying to solve it on our own. Isolation feels easier. Safer. More in control. But it’s not real healing.
Pornography Is a Strategy, Not the Root Issue
Let’s call it what it is—porn is a strategy. It’s not “the problem.” It’s the go-to solution we’ve built over time to try and solve a deeper problem: unmet relational needs.
When trust is broken, and pain goes unprocessed, we default to strategies that feel good in the moment but keep us stuck. Porn offers a counterfeit sense of connection, affirmation, and control—but without the risk of real relationship. That’s the lie. That’s why it’s so compelling… and so destructive.
You don’t have a porn problem. You have a relational wound. And porn is just your strategy for numbing it.
Your Struggle Is a Signal
Here’s the deal: your emotional pain—your loneliness, frustration, shame—is not the enemy. It’s the signal that something needs attention. In the Garden, God didn’t rebuke Adam’s loneliness. He moved toward it. He taught through it. That’s still what He’s doing.
Our wounds—especially the relational ones—create the conditions for either disconnection or transformation. We can choose victimhood and spin in isolation. We can play the hero and try to fix everything on our own. Or we can go martyr and pretend we’re fine. All of those are strategies. None of them work.
The alternative? Risking connection again.
The Real Way Forward
Relational wounds require relational healing. There is no way around this.
Healing doesn’t come from fixing yourself alone.
It doesn’t come from numbing the ache.
It doesn’t come from pretending it doesn’t hurt.
It comes from trust. Trusting God again. Trusting safe people. And most of all, trusting that the pain you feel is trying to lead you back into real, honest, vulnerable connection.
Trust is the currency of relationship. Without it, there is no intimacy, no safety, no growth. But with it? Everything starts to shift.
Last Word
If you’re wrestling with porn, disconnection, shame, or chronic loneliness—pause and ask yourself: What is the relational wound I’m avoiding? And what strategy have I been using to survive?
Then, do the brave thing: don’t do it alone.
The gospel isn’t a self-help plan. It’s a relational rescue. Jesus didn’t come to shame us for our pain. He came to restore us through trust, connection, and love. Real love. Real relationship.
Come back for Part 2 next week, when we’ll unpack more practical steps for healing—and how the gospel offers a better strategy than anything we can come up with on our own.