3 Things We Did Wrong, Trying to Quit Pornography

Quitting porn is hard. If you’ve tried to stop before and failed, you’re not alone. Both Nick and I (Michael) have been there—caught in cycles of shame, trying harder, and wondering why nothing seemed to work.

1. Trying to Quit Porn Alone (Self-Management Mode)

For years, I believed the lie: “I got myself into this, so I can get myself out.”

That mindset kept me locked in isolation. Shame told me not to tell my parents, not to tell my friends, not to tell anyone. So I doubled down on willpower and tried to “manage” my porn use in secret.

The problem? Self-management doesn’t work.

You can’t see your own blind spots. You can’t hold yourself accountable to honesty 24/7. And willpower isn’t enough to rewire the brain or heal the heart.

What actually works:

Healing starts when you stop hiding. You were designed for relationship—with God and with others. Recovery requires honesty, vulnerability, and inviting safe, trusted people into your struggle. Freedom begins the moment you admit: “I can’t do this on my own.”

2. Living on Defense Only

Most guys start recovery with defensive tactics:

• Install accountability or blocking software.

• Hand your phone to a friend.

• Delete apps.

• Get an accountability partner who just checks in after you fail.

Are these bad? No. But if your entire strategy is just defense, you’re not actually moving forward. At best, you’re only avoiding triggers while your heart is still craving porn.

I used to think filters, Bibles on my desk, or shame-based check-ins would magically fix me. Instead, I found myself looking for loopholes—new ways to act out that weren’t technically “blocked.”

What actually works:

Defense matters, but you also need an offensive plan. Recovery means building a new life, not just avoiding the old one. That looks like:

• Learning how your emotions trigger your porn use.

• Building new rhythms of sleep, exercise, healthy relationships, and spiritual growth.

• Taking responsibility for pursuing healing, not waiting for external barriers to stop you.

Offense means chasing after wholeness—not just avoiding sin.

3. Treating Porn Only as a Moral Issue

For years, I reduced my porn struggle to a simple equation: “Porn is sin. Sin is wrong. Therefore, I just need to pray harder, read my Bible more, and stop sinning.”

I thought spiritual discipline alone would be enough. So when I kept failing, I assumed I was broken beyond repair—or that God was done with me. That heavy shame nearly crushed me.

What actually works:

Yes, porn is a moral issue. But it’s also physical, emotional, mental, and relational. Pornography hijacks your brain chemistry, numbs your emotions, and distorts intimacy. If your plan only addresses one piece of the puzzle, you’ll stay stuck.

Freedom requires an integrated approach—addressing the whole person:

• Body: Healing your brain and nervous system.

• Heart: Learning to feel and process emotions instead of numbing them.

• Mind: Understanding triggers, beliefs, and shame cycles.

• Spirit: Receiving grace and pursuing intimacy with God.

This is why we say at Restoration Soul Care: soul work is slow work. You can’t microwave recovery. But if you plant the right seeds—sleep, exercise, healthy connection, prayer, learning—growth will come.

Final Word: Don’t Quit on Quitting

If you take anything away from our mistakes, let it be this: don’t give up.

Recovery is slow. Sometimes it feels like tilling hard soil and waiting for crops that never come. But if you keep planting, keep showing up, and keep refusing to do it alone, real change will take root.

As I often tell the guys we coach:

If you don’t quit, you can’t fail.