Kyle Idleman - A Pastor’s Perspective on Pornography
When it comes to helping men and women break free from pornography, shame, and sexual brokenness, few conversations cut as deep—or stay as hopeful—as this one. In this episode of the Restoration Soul Care Podcast, Michael Kamber and co-host Nick Buda sit down with Kyle Idleman, teaching pastor at Southeast Christian Church and New York Times bestselling author of Not a Fan and Every Thought Captive.
Together they tackle the intersection of sexual struggle, neuroscience, and faith—and how the renewing of the mind is central to lasting transformation.
Setting the Stage: The Church, Culture, and the Silence Around Sex
Nick:
Kyle, we’re living in what we’ve called a pornified culture. Sex has been objectified and normalized everywhere—from entertainment to advertising. Yet inside the church, it’s often whispered about or avoided entirely. You’ve been a pastor for nearly 30 years. How common is sexual struggle among Christians?
Kyle:
It’s nearly universal. I used to ask grooms in premarital counseling, “Has pornography been a struggle for you?” But now I assume it has. I’ll say, “Where are you in this struggle?” That shift removes the shame of having to start with a confession. It’s not if someone struggles—it’s how they’re navigating it.
If a man tells me, “Oh no, that’s never been an issue,” I’m more concerned. Either he’s not being honest, or he hasn’t recognized his own patterns. Our culture is so saturated—pornified, as you said—that assuming no struggle isn’t realistic.
Shame Isn’t the Cure—It’s the Trap
Michael:
For people who finally work up the courage to share about their sexual brokenness, what’s a healthy response from leaders? Because the old approach has often been heavy on shame.
Kyle:
Exactly. For decades, the church has tried to control behavior through shame. But shame doesn’t heal—it multiplies the problem. Sexual sin is one of those struggles that actually grows stronger in the dark. When we use guilt or embarrassment as motivators, we’re feeding the very thing we’re trying to kill.
What happens next is predictable: people hide deeper, secrecy grows, and sin strengthens its grip. So instead of leading with “You should be ashamed,” we need to lead with vulnerability, honesty, and the goodness of what God designed.
Nick:
Right. If the only time we talk about sex is in warning tones, we train people to associate God’s design with danger instead of delight.
Kyle:
Exactly. We’ve got to hold up what’s good about sexuality—what God created for intimacy, joy, and connection. If all we ever do is warn, we end up with people who enter marriage unable to celebrate what’s sacred.
From Purity Culture to Neuroscience: A More Complete Picture
Michael:
You mentioned earlier that you’ve learned to approach this conversation differently, even with your own kids. How has that changed?
Kyle:
Well, I’ve raised four kids in the middle of two completely different eras. My oldest came of age before smartphones; my youngest was a teenager when everything went digital. The world changed between them.
So I had to talk differently. Not just as a pastor, but as a dad. I wanted my kids to understand why pornography hijacks the brain—not just that it’s wrong. We talked about dopamine, bonding, and how the brain forms pathways through repetition. That’s not just science—that’s design. God made our brains that way.
When we talk about this stuff only in spiritual terms, we unintentionally add shame. But when we talk about it scientifically—“This is how your brain works; this is how dopamine trains your habits”—it gives people context and hope. It says, you’re not broken beyond repair; your brain is learning something it can unlearn.
Women, AI, and the Expanding Battlefield
Nick:
We’ve seen a shift recently—young women are now part of this struggle in growing numbers. What are you noticing from your pastoral perspective?
Kyle:
That’s absolutely true. This used to be treated as a “guy issue.” It’s not anymore. With AI and emotional attachment forming through screens, the landscape is changing. Pornography isn’t just about images—it’s now about simulated connection.
As that technology grows, we’ll see more women drawn in, not necessarily for visual reasons but for emotional ones. The church has to be ready for that. We can’t frame sexual brokenness as a male-only problem anymore.
The Bible and the Brain Agree: Transformation Begins in the Mind
Nick:
Your new book Every Thought Captive dives deep into this idea that transformation starts in our thinking. How does that tie into what Scripture—and science—say about change?
Kyle:
Cognitive psychology teaches that your life is shaped by your thoughts. That’s straight out of Scripture. Proverbs says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Romans 12 calls us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.
What’s fascinating is that neuroscience now backs that up. For centuries, people assumed the brain was fixed. Now we know it’s not. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself—proves what Scripture’s been saying all along: transformation is possible.
When we partner with the Holy Spirit, we’re not just changing spiritually; we’re literally changing neurologically. Science is catching up to the Bible.
Pornography, Strongholds, and the Power of Thought
Michael:
Paul says in 2 Corinthians 10 that we’re to take every thought captive and tear down strongholds. It sounds like what you’re describing—those reinforced patterns of thinking that shape behavior.
Kyle:
Exactly. A stronghold is a thought reinforced over time until it directs your life without you realizing it. For many of us, those strongholds were built early—through exposure, repetition, and shame.
In a pornified culture, those strongholds are everywhere. The only way to tear them down is to interrupt the pattern—to take every thought captive before it takes you captive.
That’s not an overnight process. It’s intentional, daily renewal of the mind. You can’t white-knuckle your way to freedom. You have to retrain your thinking, your habits, and your heart.
Why Healing Takes Time—but Not Forever
Nick:
You mentioned earlier that change takes time, and that’s a relief for people who feel stuck. How should someone think about that process?
Kyle:
It does take time—but not as much time as people think. You can start resetting neural pathways in about two weeks. Not total transformation, but real momentum.
I tell people: circle your calendar. Two weeks from now, if you take every thought captive and bring accountability into it, you’ll see change. Like fitness—it takes months to be in great shape, but you feel better in a couple weeks of consistency.
That’s how the renewing of the mind works. God built us with the ability to grow. You just can’t do it in isolation.
Don’t Do This Alone
Michael:
We end every podcast with one line: Don’t do this alone. If someone’s reading this and ready to take a step, what would you tell them?
Kyle:
That line says it all. Doing this alone is nearly impossible. I’ve been a pastor for 30 years, and I still have men in my life who ask me the hard questions every week. Accountability isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of wisdom.
So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling: tell someone. Confess to a trusted friend, a group leader, or a pastor. Use the same internet that fueled your addiction to find help. Bring light into the darkness. Freedom always begins there.
Bringing Faith, Science, and Honesty Together
What stood out most in this conversation is how integrated Kyle’s perspective is. He refuses to separate the spiritual from the scientific, the psychological from the biblical, or the individual from the community.
True freedom from pornography and sexual brokenness isn’t about behavior modification. It’s about renewing the mind, retraining the brain, and restoring the heart—in community and under grace.
Final Takeaway: Restoration Begins with Honesty
Breaking free from pornography isn’t just about quitting something destructive. It’s about reclaiming your design. It’s remembering that your brain, your body, and your soul were made for connection—not consumption.
As Kyle said, transformation starts when we take every thought captive and bring our struggles into the light. It takes courage, time, and people beside you—but you can be free.
If You’re Ready to Start Your Recovery Journey
If you’re ready to take the next step toward freedom, you don’t have to do it alone.
Drop us a message to connect with Michael and the Restoration Soul Care team.
Book a call, join a group, and begin the process of healing from pornography and unwanted sexual behavior.
Because recovery isn’t just about saying no to porn—it’s about saying yes to life, love, and renewal.