Community: The Cure for Pornography - Part 3

If you’re trying to quit porn or untangle sexual addiction, here’s what you have to know: you will not make it in isolation.

You were never designed to heal alone. You were created to take up space in other people’s lives. To bother them. To inconvenience them. On purpose.

This post is part three in a series on community and recovery, and we’re drilling into one big idea:

Caring community is not optional for recovery.

Let’s walk through what that looks like in real life; biblically, emotionally, and practically.

You Were Meant to Take Up Space

One phrase I’ve been using with guys lately is this:

“You do take up space in people’s lives. You do bother people. And you were meant to.”

If you’re married, you literally signed up for a lifetime agreement that sounds like:

“I will inconvenience and bother this person for the rest of my life.”

What we actually do instead is this weird martyr move:

• “I don’t want to bother her.”

• “I’ll just handle it.”

• “I’ll move my schedule around, they don’t need to know.”

We think that’s noble.

It’s not.

It’s self-protective and it robs the people who love you from the joy of blessing you.

How many times have you finally shared something heavy and the person said,

“Dude, why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve happily helped.”

If you want real community in recovery, you have to accept this simple reality:

• You are needy.

• You do take up space.

• And God actually designed you that way.

Community starts when you stop trying to be low-maintenance and start being honest.

The Bible’s Words for Love 

Scripture talks a lot about love, but in Greek, there are several words:

• Phileo – brotherly, friendly love (think: “We do fantasy football together.”)

• Storge – familial love, allegiance, the loyal “we’re family” bond.

• Eros – passionate, romantic, sexual love (interestingly, not used as a verb in the New Testament).

• Agape – rare, sacrificial, God-shaped love.

Agape is the one that matters most for recovery community.

Agape is that never-stopping, never-giving-up, never-failing, forever love (shout-out to the Jesus Storybook Bible).

It’s the love that:

• Moves toward you at a cost to itself.

• Lays down its life for its friends (John 15:13).

• Doesn’t bail when you’re messy, ashamed, or stuck.

And here’s the kicker: Jesus says this kind of love is the defining mark of His people.

If your “community” is just surface-level phileo—guys you joke with, text scores to, and talk sports with—you’ll never get what your heart actually needs to heal.

What Sacrificial Love Looks Like in Real Life

Let’s get concrete.

Nick told a story about a guy in his group who has hit rock bottom:

• Lost a relationship

• Living way outside his values

• Buried in shame

• Functionally a mess

He’s not fun to be around. He doesn’t have much to give.

Sacrificial love says:

“I’m going to go sit with this guy anyway. Not because it’s enjoyable. Not because I get something out of it. But because he needs my presence.”

That’s agape in real life:

• Rearranging your schedule

• Showing up when someone is heavy

• Staying present even when it’s uncomfortable

• Not needing them to be “fixed” or “better” for you to stick around

It’s your good at my expense.

Not in a codependent, boundary-less way.

In a Christ-shaped way.

The Power of Presence in Porn Recovery

A lot of guys think the best thing they can bring to someone who’s struggling is advice or a solution.

Wrong.

The best thing you bring is your presence.

At CrossPoint we say:

“The best gift you have to give anyone is your transformed and transforming presence.”

That looks like:

• Being physically there when possible (coffee shop, park, couch, whatever)

• Letting your calm nervous system sit next to their anxious one

• Being slow to fix, quick to listen

• Attuning to where they actually are, not where you wish they were

Texting is fine. Calling is better. In-person presence is best.

If you’re tempted or triggered, I don’t want you firing off a quick text that feels like any other notification on your phone.

Pick up the phone.

Or better yet, pull the ripcord and go be with someone.

You cannot borrow the calm presence of another human being if you never get in the room with them.

“Our Souls Are Permeable”: Why Isolation Is So Dangerous

In The Relational Soul, Plass and Cofield talk about how our souls are permeable.

We absorb the presence of the people we’re around.

That cuts both ways:

• If you’re around angry, shame-filled, chaotic people all day—your soul absorbs that.

• If you’re around grounded, grace-filled, emotionally present people—your soul absorbs that too.

This is why trying to heal porn or sexual addiction in isolation is delusional.

You can’t absorb the healthy presence of nobody.

You need other transformed and transforming people in the room with you—literally and spiritually—so their calm, faith, hope, and love can seep into you over time.

It’s Hard to Be Needy (But You Already Are)

Let’s name this:

It’s really hard to be needy. To:

• Admit, “I’m not okay.”

• Reach out and say, “I need you.”

• Risk the possibility that someone might not show up for you.

Most of us are running on what Martin Luther called works-righteousness—this default wiring that says:

“If I can do it myself, I should. If I can’t, that’s a threat.”

So we’d rather:

• White-knuckle it

• Numb out

• Pretend we’re fine

Instead of saying,

“My house flooded three times. I got rear-ended. I’m overwhelmed. I need people right now.”

But that’s exactly what humility actually looks like:

Not self-hatred.

Not self-erasure.

An accurate view of yourself.

“I am deeply loved and still very needy. I’m a beggar who has found bread.”

The gospel doesn’t flatten that tension.

It names it and meets you there.

Shame: The Biggest Barrier Between You and Real Community

For most guys I walk with, the biggest barrier to community is not geography, time, or lack of options.

It’s shame.

Nick read from 2 Peter 1, where Peter says if we’re not growing in love, we’re:

“Nearsighted and blind, forgetting that [we] have been cleansed from [our] past sins.”

That’s the core issue.

If you’re having a hard time:

• Stepping toward people

• Letting yourself be loved

• Believing anyone could want you, knowing what you’ve done

It’s usually because you’ve forgotten what’s most true about you in Christ:

• You are completely cleansed in Jesus.

• You are fully received and adopted as a son or daughter.

• You are delighted in, not just tolerated.

When that reality is blurry, shame will always shove you back into the dark.

When that reality starts to land, community becomes possible.

Love Is Not Something You Conjure Up

Here’s some relief:

You are not supposed to manufacture this kind of sacrificial love from sheer willpower.

Christian community is not:

“Good Christian men pulling themselves together to do good Christian things for each other.”

Real care is an overflow of being loved and forgiven by Jesus.

Nick pointed to that moment in Luke 7 where the “sinful woman” crashes a dinner party full of religious leaders and washes Jesus’ feet with her tears.

Jesus’ summary of the whole moment is brutal and beautiful:

“He who is forgiven little loves little.”

Flip it around:

The more you know you’ve been forgiven and loved, the more capacity you have to love sacrificially.

So if you’re reading this and thinking,

“I don’t have anything to give. I’m barely hanging on.”

Start here:

• Don’t try to conjure up love.

• Ask Jesus to help you actually receive His love.

• Let that soften you, humble you, and expand your capacity to move toward others, slowly, one step at a time.

How to Start Building Caring Community

A lot of guys say some version of:

“I don’t have anybody I could call in the middle of the night.”

So I ask:

“How do you know that?”

Ten out of ten times, they’ve never actually tried calling anyone in the middle of the night.

We use that line as a way to avoid the real work:

moving deeper into relationship.

Don’t start with, “Who would meet me at 2am?”

Start with baby step number one:

1. Put yourself where people are.

• Church

• Small groups

• Men’s groups

• Recovery groups

• Places where people actually talk about real life

2. Show up consistently.

Don’t expect instant “best friends.” Porn has trained us to expect instant relief. Real relationships don’t work like that.

3. Let the relationship grow slowly.

Not with the vibe of, “This guy looks like sponsor material.”

Just show up, listen, share a bit of yourself, see who keeps leaning in.

4. Practice taking up a little more space each time.

• “Hey, it’s been a rough week.”

• “I’m tempted more than usual.”

• “Can we grab coffee sometime? I could use a listening ear.”

Community is cultivated, not delivered.

It takes time, intention, and repeated, awkward, imperfect steps.

But it’s absolutely worth it. And it’s absolutely necessary.

Emotionally Showing Up for Other Men

One more thing that trips guys up:

A lot of men will say,

“I’ll help a guy move. I’ll pay a bill. I’ll show up if his basement is flooded. But I don’t know how to emotionally show up. That feels impossible.”

Here’s a simple framework:

• Be with him in whatever he’s feeling.

You don’t have to match it. If he’s sad, you don’t have to collapse into your own sadness. You just need to stay present with his.

• Attune, don’t fix.

Like Jesus with the woman at the well (John 4):

He doesn’t lecture her, shame her, or hand her a 3-step plan.

He sees her. He knows her story. He talks with her. He offers living water in the context of real presence.

• Lead with compassion and empathy.

The Gospels say over and over, “Jesus had compassion on them.”

That word is deep gut-level feeling.

It’s: “I want to feel some of what you’re feeling so you don’t carry it alone.”

You don’t need the perfect words.

You need a grounded, compassionate presence that says:

“I’m not going anywhere. This is heavy. I can’t fix it. But you’re not alone in it.”

That alone can shift a man’s entire experience of shame and isolation.

Letting Jesus’ Love Sink In

If there’s one thing I want you to walk away with, it’s this:

If you want to grow in caring community, make it your highest aim to receive the love given to you in Christ.

Not as a vague theological statement.

But as a real, lived experience.

When you open Scripture, pray, or show up at church, don’t just ask:

• “What do I need to do?”

• “How do I obey this better?”

Start with:

“How loved am I by Jesus today?”

Sit with that.

Let it confront your self-reliance, your shame, your defenses.

Let it humble you and lift you at the same time.

From there, you will slowly grow the capacity to:

• Take up space in other people’s lives

• Tell the truth about your need

• Show up for others sacrificially

• Build a caring, Christ-centered community that actually supports recovery

A Simple Next Step

If you’re reading this and realizing,

“Yeah, I’m isolated. I don’t have this kind of community. I don’t even know where to start.”

Here’s your next move:

1. Tell one person the truth.

Someone safe. A friend, pastor, small group leader, or trusted believer.

You don’t have to give them your entire sexual history. Start with:

“I’m struggling with pornography and I don’t want to do this alone anymore.”

2. Get in the room with people who get it.

If you need a place to start, head to rscky.com or find me on Instagram @mikekamber.

Reach out. We can talk about what a next step might look like for you—coaching, groups, or simply not being alone with this anymore.

3. Grab the Quick Start Guide.

If you’re “on the fringes”—you know porn is a problem, but you’re not sure how to begin—download the Quit Porn Quick Start Guide Now

It’s the easiest, simplest place to start engaging your recovery and your heart—without having to figure everything out on your own.

You were not meant to heal in the dark.

You were meant to take up space, be loved, and learn how to love in return.

Start there.